Goodbye

Yesterday was a rubbish day for various reasons, including a very frustrating trip to B&Q with my Mum which left me thinking I had chosen the worst time ever to give up alcohol!

Last night I got a call from my Mum to say that she had been notified that my Dad had died. My parents split up in 1990 when I was 9 and I have written about the relationship I had with my Dad previously here. When she told me I genuinely felt nothing. No loss, no sadness, nothing. My youngest sister is currently on holiday so I volunteered to make the call while Mum called my middle sister. Their reactions surprised me a little but since they belong to them I’m not going to go into them on here. The message was that the executor of the will had to speak to the three of us since we are his children.

My Dad wasn’t well off as far as I know but we were asked if we wanted anything from his house. I find it strange that after 23 years someone might think that I might want a toaster or a washing machine, but the law is what it is and I politely declined. We asked if we were mentioned in his will and the response was “You were at one point but not now” I’ve never had a penny from him or wanted anything from him and it makes me wonder why the change was made, suppose I will never know now.

The whole situation is really odd. He was still my Dad although we’ve had no relationship for so long but I still feel nothing. Lots of lovely friends and family have sent messages of support and love but I feel almost fraudulent accepting them because I don’t feel I should. People keep asking if I’m ok and I promise you all, I really am.

He seems to have had a hard time with his health over the last few years and by the sounds of it he is out of pain and I’m glad for him. I won’t be going to his funeral as I don’t see any reason to. I said goodbye to him a long time ago and have moved on and won’t go back.

So for a final time, Good bye Dad.

C

Death, a Fascination

Miss B has been talking a lot about death lately.

When my Grandpa passed away Miss B was a few months off turning 2 so she didn’t really understand what had happened.  She adored him and would ask about him all the time.  I’m of the mindset of not lying to her but I also believe my responses need to be age appropriate,  she doesn’t need to know ALL the details.  She knows that he was old and sick, too sick for the doctors to help him any more and that he went to heaven.  He was buried and she has been to the grave yard to visit him, she calls this his “Special Stone”.

She talks to him all time, I find her looking above her and chatting to him about things going on in her life.  A few days ago she was at a party and brought a balloon home with her, I found her using it like a crystal ball and she told me that she could see him in heaven and he was talking to her other Great-Grandpa.  She knows that everyone dies at some point and we don’t know when or how it will happen and it’s just part of life.  We talk about death and life and heaven and I find having open and honest conversations is a healthy way to deal with it.

Last weekend she asked me what will happen to her when I die and I told her that hopefully it won’t happen for a long time but if it did she would have her Daddy.  She laughed at me and said “Don’t be silly Mummy, Dad will die before you, he’s older”.  Just when you think she’s got it figured out, you realise that she is only 5 🙂

Cx